Shortly after I began my working life, on the edge of the Westminster jungle, I landed a job with a political ‘big beast’; an alpha male, in very much the same mould as the French IMF boss Dominique Strauss-Kahn: silver-haired, heavy-set, charismatic.
For a few months, he ignored me as I busied away researching stats. Then, during what should have been a routine working lunch, the searchlight of his wandering eye settled on me and, out of the blue, he declared passionate love: ‘Say you love me, too. I just can’t live without you.’
This was both flattering and confusing. Why now? Why me? This famous man had a devoted wife and a small daughter, and at the time that shocked me, too. Well, I was young.
Not so honourable members: Westminster's big beasts are every bit as predatory as any country's politicians"
The first thing that’s unusual about a political predator is that he’s blinded by conceit. His self-love is so consuming that it’s almost impossible for him to imagine a girl might say ‘no’. For my particular big beast, rejection only fuelled his ardour.
He showed no fear of law-suits or accusations of harassment. The more overt the put-down, the keener he seemed. Until one day, without warning, he simply lost his cool altogether, pushed me over on the office carpet and lay on top of me, breathing hard. ‘You know you want me!’ he said. I didn’t and kicked him hard.
Welcome to the jungle: The political neophyte is a gazelle in the great safari park of SW1
But as Strauss-Kahn mopes on Riker’s Island and the Press pontificate about sex and the French, I think it worth warning the proud parents of any young woman embarking on a career in British politics that their lovely daughter will be in for a rude awakening.
The political neophyte is a gazelle in the great safari park of SW1: surrounded by hungry eyes all watching for weakness.
So, with the help of my female colleagues — parliamentary researchers, political advisers and hacks — I have compiled for her this useful compendium of beasts.
The Gorilla
Let’s call our first animal the gorilla, because he’s an alpha male who considers the pick of the pack his due, and because like my own big beast and Strauss-Kahn, he’s often ape-like in appearance: big-headed, heavy-handed, nimble on his feet when a female hoves into view.The most powerful men in politics are often gorillas; great silverbacks, indifferent to the posturing of lesser males, confident that their supplicant mates will stay loyal no matter what.
They’re used to capitulation, even adoration, and so confident that public humiliation holds no horror.
Alpha males: Lord Strathclyde, the leader of the House of Lords"may be a classic gorilla; |
Alpha males: Lord Strathclyde, the leader of the House of Lords, may be a classic gorilla; John F. Kennedy was definitely one"
‘He just didn’t care that everyone was watching,’ she says.
Another pal tells a story about a parliamentary King Kong who picked her up in front of a roomful of people, buried his head between her breasts and inhaled loudly before exclaiming: ‘How I love big women!’
Lord Strathclyde, the leader of the House of Lords, may be another classic gorilla. Well — just look at him.
Then consider the casual arrogance with which he carried on with Birgit Cunningham, the blonde who eventually kissed and told about their wine-fuelled trysts in a flat above a chip shop.
John F. Kennedy was a gorilla — charming, arrogant, bullying — whereas both Joe and Teddy were indubitably snakes.
The Snake
Now here’s the most insidious predator, the sort who offers to trade information or advancement for sexual favours. Like that very first serpent, he’ll make it seem a reasonable exchange, but you entertain a snake at your peril. There’s no limit to how low they can slither.There’s a cautionary tale doing the rounds about a former Secretary of State who propositioned a young lady MP in a lift. When she declined, he showed his forked tongue: ‘You’ll never make it without me,’ he hissed.
The snake: The most insidious predator, the sort who offers to trade information or advancement for sexual favours"
Let’s not pretend the political Press is free from snakes. Another pal who worked with an important TV snake says he issued quite clear instructions to new female researchers: b*** job or no job. Snakes are the most poisonous predators.
The Spider
A spider, my girlfriends and I all agree, is usually an older, more experienced predator, who weaves a web around his victim before drawing her in. Let’s take the example of one spidery peer, who has a very distinctive pattern of web.This peer is notorious for complimenting girls on an item of clothing: their boots, say, or a blouse. He’ll then invite the youngster out to lunch, and, when they accept, send a text suggesting they wear this particular item — just for him.
The young woman sees no harm in this first request and usually complies. A second invitation to lunch is followed by another request to wear something a little more risqué.
The spider: Usually an older, more experienced predator, who weaves a web around his victim before drawing her in"
Another sort of spider weaves a web made of tangled moral threads. The usual rules don’t apply in our lofty world, he insists — only a very bourgeois woman would consider adultery wrong.
‘It’s no more significant than a game of tennis,’ one practised spider insisted to a fly of my acquaintance. Like the spider in the nursery rhyme, the political tarantula will often have a special web away from home, in Piccadilly, say. ‘Come into my parlour,’ he will whisper. Don’t.
The crocodile
Think crocodile tears, and long, self-pitying monologues about how Mrs Crocodile doesn’t understand him. All the while, one reptilian eye is half open, waiting for the perfect time to snap.Chris Huhne, pictured, has a Croc-ish aspect. His campaign leaflets claimed proudly that ‘family matters to me so much’, and all the while he was thrashing around with bisexual Carina Trimingham.
Monkey man
Well OK, a monkey isn’t a very alarming predator, but nor are our monkey men. There’s no planning, stalking or pouncing involved and often no wives to deceive; rather a compulsive propensity to try it on with almost any lady at almost any time — just on the off-chance they agree.Monkey men are often short and were rarely attractive when young. Just a tiny whiff of power goes straight to their groins. There’s a monkey-like aspect to President Sarkozy, in his delight in having snared such a desirable wife.
Monkey magic: There's a monkey life aspect to Nicolas Sarkozy"
Another monkey man who made it to government used to keep a bowl of condoms on his Parliamentary desk. If asked to explain himself, he’d mutter something about Aids and the developing world. In fact, the condoms were just a way of saying: how about it?
After all this, you’re prepared for the jungle, gazelles. But just one more warning: if these predators are a threat in Westminster, they are doubly so come conference season in a secluded seaside town.
Most party animals share the same hunting tactic during conference. They lie in wait until the drinks parties finish and the young gazelles come tottering onto the streets, half-sozzled and not yet ready for bed.
New girls are not normally invited to the gorillas’ dinners, so the other predators can take their pick.
They lure a girl back to their hotel with the promise of a party. But the party is in the predator’s room, and once there he has a killer line: ‘If you leave now, everyone will talk. You’d better stay the night.’ If you hear these fatal words, get out as quickly as you can.
'If me and four other girls were to put our minds to it, we could bring down a third of the MPs'
‘If me and four other girls were to put our minds to it, we could bring down a third of the MPs,’ says one of my closest political pals.
So why don’t they? Because snitching is a hiding to nowhere. They would be forever known not for any political feats they may go on to achieve, but for sinking a famous man.
Unless it goes too far, harassment is a small price to pay for an interesting career. This would be completely unacceptable in a normal workplace, perhaps, but the Palace of Westminster is anything but normal.
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