* YOU BEEN SNAP * YAWALETEENI MAHALI PAKUULIZA MASWALI YENU HASA YALE YA SHIDA NDANI YA MAPENZI" Why is the man I love allowing his ex to come between us?By Bel Mooney"

*MKILETEWA HAPA NA FLORA LYIMO DESIGNER*

Dear Bel,
I am 65 and very lucky — apart from one problem.

Although I live alone, I’ve a wonderful partner of 17 years who thinks the world of me and would never let anyone or anything upset me.

When we first met, I was staying at his house because I had fallen and hurt myself. He had gone out to do some shopping when the phone rang, and on the other end was an ex-girlfriend (a very short-term relationship) of his.

She asked who I was, I told her, and she replied that she loved John and I was not to hurt him. Although rather miffed that they were still in contact, I’m mature enough to accept John’s assurance that she was just a friend who liked to keep in touch.

Not good to talk: Phone calls to an ex are causing problems for one reader"

This woman, now married, still has a soft spot for John, who is a very kind man with a bit of a past reputation of being one for the ladies. He is of the opinion that if you were fond of someone once, there’s nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship when you have moved on. I can totally relate to that. 

We have a very loving relationship based on mutual trust, but I have (not so innocently!) asked him, on occasion, if this woman has been in recent contact. To my knowledge, he’s answered my enquiries quite truthfully by saying she’s very lonely, in a marriage where communication is perfunctory. She’s someone who needs to talk — and John’s a very good listener.

But he has also intimated that she can be very volatile, and I now know that she is quite a nasty piece of work, saying (among other things) that she wished he’d died after a heart bypass nine years ago. 

Recently, I saw a bill with calls to a number which could only have been hers, and asked why John appeared to be calling her so often; why he kept in touch with such a person — did she have something on him?

He told me he felt sorry for her as she didn’t have anyone else to talk to, and that he had even tried to talk to her husband about his concerns for her. (He is another weird person who doesn’t want to acknowledge the situation.)

I voiced my concerns that if she was as unhinged as I’d gathered, I was seriously concerned for his safety. I said I’d be prepared to meet her so she’d finally realise I was not a figment of his imagination. He said he wasn’t against this, but I would have to be prepared that things might turn ugly.

I get the sense that she is threatening to harm herself and John would feel responsible.

I told him to say he can’t help with her problems. I’m really worried about her state of mind and whether she could do some harm to the man she can’t give up.
Rowena

Your relationship, which has lasted for 17 years with amicable independence under separate roofs, is clearly strong. You sound a remarkably sensible and tolerant woman.

More from Bel Mooney...

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• BEL MOONEY: Should I leave by cruel wife to be with her sister? 17/06/11
• BEL MOONEY: I feel such guilt over my failure to save my precious daughter 10/06/11
• BEL MOONEY: Prime-time smut, vile obscenities on Radio 4 and a smug elite who sneer at the silent majority 06/06/11
• BEL MOONEY: Facebook fantasy that could ruin my marriage 03/06/11
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Nevertheless, to an outsider, it’s clear that this ongoing contact with a demanding woman from John’s past could turn out to be the demolition ball to shatter the walls of this contented relationship.

And it does bother me that John obviously doesn’t see it. You say ‘he wouldn’t let anyone or anything upset me’, yet this is clearly untrue — because he is allowing this strange woman to upset you and doing nothing about it, other than utter platitudes about past loves, maintaining friendship, etc.

Does he count what is between them as ‘friendship’, or what? It’s very laudable to say that someone you once loved stays in your life for ever, but, practically speaking, it can’t always be the case.

I’m always suspicious, for example, of people who claim to be ‘best friends’ with an ex. Surely you should focus on the relationship you are in and keep the past in perspective? Which means, at a distance. A decayed love can corrupt the present, like a rotten fruit in a bowl.

Because you describe John as once a ladies’ man, I have to ask whether he’s actually quietly flattered that the woman seems obsessed with him. If so, he should grow up and wise up.

He had a fling with her years ago and now she has a husband, so what on earth is she doing bombarding John with messages. And what on earth is he thinking of when he jumps to reply each time? 

I would quietly suggest to him that, deep down, he may be crowing that she turns to him and not to her husband — and that it is a totally inappropriate attitude. The whole situation is bizarre.

Regular readers of this column will know that I rarely advise giving an ultimatum (believing instead in patient conversation); but in this case I think you have to be much more firm. After all, you and John have already talked the matter through more than once, yet he is persisting in his folly.
He has no right to tell you that if you went to see her ‘it might turn ugly’.

That is totally irresponsible, to say the least. Instead of feeling sorry for her, he should be saving that sympathy for you — and certainly not allowing you even to think of heading for a confrontation which could hurt you mentally and perhaps even physically. Intolerable!

You are proud of the ‘mutual trust’ which is central to your long love affair. But now John has to start being honest with himself about the strength of his commitment to you.

If you ask him not to feed this women’s obsession by answering her messages, then — if he truly cares — he should do as you ask.

She may threaten to harm herself, but (and I’m talking toughly now) that is her husband’s problem, not John’s. Or yours. But if she were to turn into a stalker — which does happen, as we all know — then she would be making herself very much your problem, in which case you would call the police.

Just like that.

You and John are both surely reaching the time of life when you want commitment and some security? Have you ever talked about moving in and creating a proper life together?

Whatever you decide, John needs to understand that what’s required of him now is not wimpishness but strength.

Our children won't let us move on with our lives.

Dear Bel
This must seem stupid, in among all the letters you get. My husband and I have worked hard in farming all the years since we got married at 20. We’re now in our mid-60s. It’s been tough, but we do have a wonderful family: three sons, one daughter and lovely daughters-in-law.

I have nursed elderly relatives to stop them going into old peoples’ homes, and look after the grandchildren because their parents have all got good jobs and gone back to work.

Our wonderful daughter has just left home and we’ve decided to sell up.

We’ve had a beautiful house through the years, but keeping the business going and providing for the family was hard. I don’t care now if I live in a caravan. So why do they think I need to carry on and live here?

 

Moving on: Is a caravan really the answer for this reader?

I want peace — a life without worrying about how to make farming pay.

I don’t accept anything from the family, and I don’t need to be looked after. I have never burdened them with how hard it has been.

But they just won’t mind their own business — though I don’t interfere in their lives. I want to get rid of the constant worry, and I want the freedom to do anything I please.

Isn’t this ridiculous: not parents who are interfering, but children?

It’s good to put it down on paper, even though I know it’s silly.
Marie

Believe me, such family issues are never ‘stupid’. Far from being ‘ridiculous’, they are the stuff of real drama — as anybody who reads the novels of Thomas Hardy will know well.

So I need to stop you in your tracks and tell you that at the heart of your
letter lies a big mistake, which, unless you are aware of it, may do great damage to the family you love so much.

You are understandably exhausted after years of emotional giving and
grinding work. I know something about farming: how perilous the
finances can be and how punishing the hours.

It’s not surprising that the departure of your youngest child from the
nest has triggered this desire to sell up.

It slightly bothers me that for most of your letter you say ‘I, I, I …’ but let us assume your husband is at one with you. Why do you think this decision is not your children’s business?

You sing their praises one second, then paint them as insensitive,
interfering busybodies the next.

Can you see that contradiction? You tell me you ‘don’t interfere in
their lives’, and then say you look after the grandchildren!

This family is intertwined.

You are a part of the larger whole, and should celebrate a closeness
many parents will envy. If you reject your children’s views with the
stubborn and impatient hostility expressed in your letter, you run a very
real risk of pushing them away.

You love your children and they love the home you created for them. To
me, it is perfectly understandable that they don’t welcome any change
to the familiar, well-loved environment.

Our children rarely do. They want you to stay in the only home
they have ever known (‘beautiful’, you say) because they love it, and the
memories of their childhood are imprinted on the walls.

You should stop being surprised and indignant about this: take it as a
compliment, and start talking to them properly.

Presumably, none of the four wanted to take on the farm, so you all need to sit around the table and talk through any alternatives to the sale. They may have ideas about diversification, to which you should listen — even if, in the end, you are set on moving.

You need to tell them gently how you feel, without this defensive
bridling — ‘This is what I want, so mind your own business.’

As for a caravan, well, don’t allow this tiredness to lead you to make
any foolish decisions. After all, you need somewhere big enough for the
grandchildren to come to for tea.

And finally... Still 'high' on love and hope

Hope: Weddings send out a positive message"

We’ve returned from a wedding in Sardinia. It will stay in my memory as another affirmation of the love and faith all of us believe in — except the cynics, of course.

Marriage celebrations the world over embrace commitment and defy the sad realities of separation and divorce. Vows send a song of hope as high as the heavens.

There we were, in a mountain village, gathering outside the bride’s house, cheering when the groom arrived to collect his betrothed.

Then the beautiful bride led the procession through the village on her father’s arm, followed by the groom (English) walking with his mother, followed by the other two parents arm-in-arm. All of us following, Italian and English, processed through the streets to the church, as people gathered on street corners.

It’s a custom to break a plate for luck in front of the bride and groom, to signify, by all those small pieces, the number of years they will be together. Lots of plates were broken that day!
The nuptial mass lasted an hour-and-a-quarter, in Italian except for one English hymn, which we sang loudly — not wanting to let the side down.

White flowers everywhere, the smell of incense, the lovely couple smiling — and me feeling so soppy, since I’ve known the 31-year-old groom since he was 11 months old.
Then, the six-course lunch, lasting from 1.30 until 6pm. The bride’s father shedding a tear at his new son-in-law’s speech, delivered perfectly in two languages. The buzz of talk and laughter . . . as ever. As everywhere.
We took away traditional Italian wedding favours: five sugared almonds in tulle, signifying good health, fertility, longevity, happiness and wealth. Here’s to all that!

The day before, in the capital Cagliari, looking down from a bridge to a flat roof, I’d spotted the graffiti Chiara ti amo (I love you Chiara), with a painted heart. I do hope that girl saw the love-message and that they, too, will kneel at the altar to utter that universal ‘Yes’.

Bel answers readers’questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.